From: Dean Edmonds Subject: soc.singles.moderated Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) Date: Monday, September 29, 1997 12:51 AM soc.singles.moderated Frequently Asked Questions Archive-name: singlesm-faq Posting-frequency: weekly Last-modified: 17 May 1997 1) General ------- Q1.1 What is soc.singles.moderated (ssm)? Q1.2 What good is that? I came here looking for the Love Of My Life!! Q1.3 What sort of things can I post to ssm? Q1.4 What sort of things should I avoid posting to ssm? Q1.5 How do I post an article to soc.singles.moderated? Q1.6 What is the difference between soc.singles.moderated and soc.singles? Q1.7 Why are there so many people here who are not single? Q1.8 What is all this `zie' and `zir' stuff? Q1.9 Why are there so many followups here? Where are all the new threads? Q1.10 MOTOS? LJBF? What do all of these acronyms mean? Q1.11 What is a `sniggler'? 2) Moderation ---------- Q2.1 What is this `moderation'? Is someone going to censor my posts?? Q2.2 Hey! I don't want my name in any databases!! Q2.3 Will my name be sold to anyone? Q2.4 Why can't I crosspost my article to other groups? Q2.5 I think there's something wrong with the robo-moderator. Who do I tell? Q2.6 I posted my article over 10 minutes ago. Why don't I see it? Q2.7 I posted my article several days ago and it _still_ hasn't shown up! Q2.8 Why is my article still there after I cancel it? Q2.9 I use an invalid mail address to avoid spammers. How will that affect me? Q2.10 Where can I get a copy of the automoderation software? 3) Dating & Relationships ---------------------- Q3.1 Why do all women/men do XXX? Why don't men/women ever YYY? Q3.2 What do women/men want? Q3.3 What is a `Nice Guy (tm)'? Q3.4 Why don't nice guys/gals ever get laid? Q3.5 When is a date a `date'? Q3.6 What are good places to meet people? 4) Boinks ------ Q4.1 What is a `boink'? Q4.2 Who gets to go to these boinks? Q4.3 Hey, this sounds great! How do I host my own boink? 5) Other Resources --------------- Q5.1 Where can I post a personal ad? Q5.2 Where can I find pen-pals? Q5.3 Where can I find people with more traditional notions of romance? Q5.4 Where can I find reviews or ratings for dating/introduction services? 6) About The FAQ ------------- Q6.1 I think that the FAQ needs a few changes/additions. Who do I tell? Q6.2 Where can I get the latest copy of this fantastic, wonderful FAQ? Q6.3 Can I use part of this FAQ in my book/thesis/movie/great-work-of-art? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) General ======= Q1.1: What is soc.singles.moderated (ssm)? A1.1: ssm is a discussion group for social conversations. It's centered around being single, but since single people are interested in all kinds of things, and everybody has been single sometime (starting with when the doctor cut your umbilical cord), there's a wide variety of subjects. It is also an alternative method for meeting new and interesting people, with the focus more on building durable friendships than chasing after potential mates. Q1.2: What good is that? I came here looking for the Love Of My Life!! A1.2: In that case, think of ssm as a training ground for the social skills necessary to make a success of relationships in the broader world. In this role it has been amazingly successful in the past. It is also a good place to get advice on steering around some of the sharper shoals of romantic relationships. Q1.3: What sort of things can I post to ssm? A1.3: Just about anything that you'd like, with the exception of ads and pen-pal requests (see next question). As with any group discussion, witty, intelligent and entertaining posts are likely to be better received than whining, self-centered missives that purport to tell others how to run their lives. Q1.4: What sort of things should I avoid posting to ssm? A1.4: Personal ads, pen-pal requests and the like are NOT permitted in ssm as there are other groups (soc.personals and soc.penpals, respectively) which already exist explicitly for those purposes. Commercial ads are not only forbidden but will likely get your account revoked as this is _not_ a commercial newsgroup. Commercial ads are defined to be any post which is intended to generate income for anyone, whether it be the poster zirself, or some other party. Note that this includes free `trial' offers since they are intended to generate follow-on business. Other DON'Ts include: o Chain letters o Requests for help in writing something...anything o Requests for stories o Surveys o Private mail o Test posts o Binaries o Announcements of web sites, public events, free or nonprofit services In general, if it does not contribute to open discussion, then it likely is not welcome. Although not forbidden, you should also avoid posting come-on messages (also known as `wannafuck's) to the group, except in jest. Keep this sort of thing in email and be aware that many of the folks here do not appreciate come-ons, even in email, and especially from people they don't yet know. So be prepared to be mercilessly flamed if you do this. Finally, the group tends to get rather, um, `annoyed' would be an understatement, when people post wild generalizations which have little basis in reality (e.g. "Why don't women ever ask guys out?"). See Q3.1 for more details. If you feel compelled to post something of this nature you'd better have a lot of data to back up your claims, or a very thick skin. :) Q1.5: How do I post an article to soc.singles.moderated? A1.5: Assuming that your news system is properly set up, you should be able to post to the group normally as you would any other. However, note that if this is your first post to ssm then you will need the keyword `wakawaka' (without the quotes) somewhere in the Subject line of your article. For example: Subject: Are hotdogs _really_ Freudian symbols? wakawaka This is part of the moderation process for ssm. See Q2.1 for more details. If you are a news administrator who is trying to set up ssm on your system, then the submission address for your `moderators' file is: soc-singles-mod@panix.com Alternatively, if your `moderators' file has one of the following entries in it, that will work as well: *:%s@uunet.uu.net *:%s@moderators.uu.net Q1.6: What's the difference between soc.singles.moderated and soc.singles? A1.6: Technically, the only difference is that ssm is moderated whereas ss is not. However, the presence of moderation means that ssm has much less `noise' than ss (i.e. fewer ads, no spam, etc) and is therefore much richer in content. Given that different people participate in the two groups (albeit with some overlap) there will obviously be differences in their culture or feel as well, but these differences cannot be summed up in a FAQ: you'll just have to dive in, get your hands dirty and find out for yourself. Q1.7: Why are there so many people here who are not single? A1.7: The group dynamics are, well, dynamic, but there have been times when as many as half of the regular posters to the group have either been married, in a romantic relationship, or otherwise `not single' (however you might choose to define the word `single'). There are a number of reasons why these non-singles hang out in ssm. Perhaps the biggest is that they used to hang out here when they _were_ single and wish to continue conversing with the friends that they made here. Another reason is that ssm tends to see a number of people who are looking for advice on dating and relationships. Being currently engaged in relationships themselves, the non-singles are often capable of providing particularly useful insights. But the main thing to remember is that _everyone_ has been single at one time or another, so we each have something to say, some experience to draw upon, for the benefit and amusement of others. Q1.8: What is all this `zie' and `zir' stuff? A1.8: `zie', `zir' and `zirs' are gender neutral pronouns for use in sentences which can apply to either sex or in which gender is ambiguous or unimportant. `zie' fills the same role as `he' or `she'. `zir' is the posessive when used as an adjective, to replace `his' or `her', while `zirs' is the possessive when used as a noun, to replace `his' or `hers'. For example: It's up to zir whether zie goes or stays. rather than: It's up to him whether he goes or stays. Not everyone in the group uses `zie' and `zir', but they're there if you want them. Q1.9: Why are there so many followups here? Where are all the new threads? A1.9: The denizens of ssm are not well known for changing the subject lines of their posts when they have drifted off the original topic. So part of the answer is that many of the `new threads' are actually hidden inside old ones. The other part of the answer is that you have two hands and a keyboard: if you want a new thread then start it yourself. If you have a good reason for not starting your own thread, then just assume that everyone else has equally good reasons for doing the same. Q1.10: MOTOS? LJBF? What do all of these acronyms mean? A1.10: Many of the acronyms used in ssm are common across much of Usenet. For a list of some of the more common ones, check out: http://www.umiacs.umd.edu/staff/amato/AC/acr.html For looking up specific acronyms, there is a much bigger database, complete with keyword search, at: http://www.ucc.ie/info/net/acronyms/index.html There are also a number of acronyms which are either specific to ssm or to just it and a handful of other groups. The most frequently used of these are listed below: DCs Disney Chemicals DMV Dreaded Monogamy Virus LDR Long Distance Relationship LJBF Let's Just Be Friends MOTOS Member Of The Opposite Sex MOTSS Member Of The Same Sex MOTAS Member Of The Appropriate Sex MOTIS Member Of the Inappropriate Sex PDA Public Display of Affection SO Significant Other SNAG Sensitive New-Age Guy TL True Love TL&EH True Love & Eternal Happiness Finally, a number of people use acronyms to refer to their partners, such as SWITCTBN (She Who Is Too Cute To Be Named) or PHB (Problem HillBilly). Since a full listing of these would change too frequently to be worth maintaining, you'll just have to figure them out on your own, or ask someone in the group. Q1.11: What is a `sniggler'? A1.11: A `sniggler' is someone who is a regular poster to soc.singles or soc.singles.moderated. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2) Moderation ========== Q2.1: What is this `moderation'? Is someone going to censor my posts?? A2.1: There is no censorship in ssm. The moderation is fairly straightforward and comes in two parts. First, if your article is crossposted to any groups other than soc.singles and/or the news.* groups, then it will be rejected outright. See Q2.4 for more details. The second part of the moderation process consists of a piece of software, lovingly known as `the bot', which checks your email address against a database. If you have posted to ssm before then it will allow your article to be posted with absolutely no change to it. If you are not in the database (i.e. it is your first post to ssm) then the Subject of your post must have the special keyword `wakawaka' (without the quotes) in it before it will be posted. Your email address will then be added to the moderation database and you will not need to use the keyword for any of your subsequent posts. If the keyword is missing from the Subject of your first post to ssm, then the moderation software will send your article back to you, along with an explanation of why it was returned. You will also receive a second, short message welcoming you to the group and telling you how to add the keyword to your post. You may then resubmit your article with the keyword in the subject line, and from that point on you will be free to post to the group without intervention. [Note that the keyword will be stripped from the Subject lines of all posts to ssm so that the subjects will look `normal' when posted.] The reason for this `delayed first post' approach is that many newcomers to the group do not read the FAQ before posting, and are therefore unaware of the group's purpose and general character. Frequently these posters mistake the group's name for a personal ads board, which it most definitely is not. So, to spare them the embarrassment of posting inappropriate material, and to spare the group's readership the frustration of having to wade through it, first-time posts are delayed so that new posters have a chance to read the welcome message and decide whether their posts are really appropriate to the group. An even bigger advantage of the `delayed first post' is that it all but eliminates spam and commercial advertising since these are unlikely to contain the keyword. Q2.2: Hey! I don't want my name in any databases!! A2.2: Well, you can't do much about the birth registry, social security database or the court records of all those unpaid parking fines, but you _can_ have your email address removed from the ssm moderation database simply by sending mail to soc-singles-mod-request@panix.com requesting that you be removed. Note, however, that this means you will not be able to post to ssm: once your name is removed from the database, you will be treated as a new poster and your next post will get bounced back to you with instructions on how to add the keyword. So, if you want to post to ssm then you must accept having your email address in the moderation database. If you cannot accept that, then you will have to forego the pleasure of posting to ssm (although you may still read it, of course). Q2.3: Will my name be sold to anyone? A2.3: No. The ssm moderation database is used only for ssm moderation purposes. The database and its contents, in whole or in part, are not available to any person or organization for any other purpose. Q2.4: Why can't I post my article to other groups? A2.4: The moderation software for ssm will only allow crossposts to the news.* groups (for administrative purposes), to soc.singles (for historical reasons) and nowhere else. Although crossposting can sometimes serve a useful purpose in technical newsgroups, this is rarely true in social groups. More so than the strictly technical newsgroups, social groups tend to develop a culture, terminology and feel, uniquely their own. Crossposting between groups often brings these cultures into conflict, resulting in a lot of argument, repetitive explanations, and apologies instead of useful or interesting discussion. For a good example of this, look in on the soc.women newsgroup: thanks to overzealous crossposting, the group no longer has a recognizable culture of its own and is simply an amalgam of posts from other groups. Besides, crossposting to other groups is like being at dinner at a friend's house and spending your time there on the phone talking to someone else: you aren't giving your full attention to your host and fellow guests, which is rude and, ultimately, pointless. Q2.5: I think there's something wrong with the robo-moderator. Who do I tell? A2.5: Send a message to soc-singles-mod-request@panix.com Q2.6: I posted my article over 10 minutes ago. Why don't I see it? Q2.7: I posted my article several days ago and it _still_ hasn't shown up! Q2.8: Why is my article still there after I cancel it? A2.6: A2.7: A2.8: The brief answer to these questions is that with a moderated newsgroup it takes a little longer for you to see your own articles and cancels show up, although the rest of the world may get to see them sooner so it balances out. If it takes a really long time (e.g. several days), then it is more than likely because your service provider has a poor news feed. For a more detailed answer, get the soc.singles.moderated miniFAQ on news propagation by sending mail to soc-singles-mod-request@panix.com with a Subject of `get news-faq' (without the quotes). Q2.9: I use an invalid mail address to avoid spammers. How will that affect me? A2.9: Do you also drive on the wrong side of the road to avoid heavy traffic? The moderation software only cares about the validity of your mail address when it actually tries to send you mail. This will happen if your post is incorrectly formatted (e.g. has no Newsgroups line), is crossposted to a disallowed group (see Q2.4) or if it is your first post and it is missing the keyword (see Q2.1). It will also happen if you try to request any documents from the autoresponder (see Q2.6 and Q6.2) or if there is a system error during posting. In all of these cases, the moderation software will send its responses to your illegal address from which it will bounce and then be thrown into that great bit-bucket in the sky. Unsolicited junk mail sucks, but the standards are there for a reason. If you choose to violate those standards for your own convenience then you'll just have to live with the consequent inconveniences as well. And if you're ever in my neighbourhood, _please_ use public transit. Q2.10: Where can I get a copy of the automoderation software? A2.10: There is a web page describing the history and philosophy of `automod' at: http://reality.sgi.com/deane_tor/automod/automod.html You can also download a copy of the software from there. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3) Dating & Relationships ====================== Q3.1: Why do all women/men do XXX? Why don't men/women ever YYY? A3.1: These are known as `Wild Generalizations'. The supposition in both cases is incorrect as some men/women do and others don't. For example, "Why don't men ever put the toilet seat down?" The answer is that many do and these men are going to be pissed if you lump them in with the neanderthals (have I been trained, or what?) who do not. So expect to get flamed if you do this. However, if you are really keenly interested in toilets, a less general wording might be better received. E.g. "Why do so many people leave the toilet seat up?" Q3.2: What do women/men want? A3.2: There appears to be this huge misconception that, just because they share a sex, all men (or all women) think alike or have the same needs and desires. This is simply not true. Every one of us, man or woman, is an individual. It would be nice when dating to be able to have a handy reference card entitled `What every woman wants from a man', but any such card would necessarily be useless with 95% of the women in the world since each of them wants something different from a man and from life in general. So the answer is: there is no answer. For each individual you meet you will have to go out there and discover for yourself what that one person wants/needs, and the best way to do that is simply to ask them. Sure, it can be hard and sometimes embarrassing, but treating another person like an ant in a colony is not going to endear you to them. Q3.3: What is a `Nice Guy (tm)'? A3.3: A `nice guy' is a guy whom other people think is nice. A `Nice Guy(tm)' is a guy who thinks himself to be nice and expects that women owe him romantic attention because of this. It is not unusual for a Nice Guy (tm) to immediately follow up his proclamation of his own niceness with bitter invective about the women who have crossed his path, thereby demonstrating how truly nice a fellow he actually is. As you might expect, a `Nice Gal (tm)' is the female equivalent. For more information, see the soc.romance FAQ on Nice Guys (tm) at: http://www.dina.kvl.dk/~fischer/alt.romance/niceguys.html Q3.4: Why don't nice guys/gals ever get laid? A3.4: To quote from Trygve Lode's FAQ for soc.singles: Nice guys do get laid; it's guys who whine a lot who generally don't. Q3.5: When is a date a `date'? A3.5: Some people consider any get-together with another person to be a `date'. Others restrict it to those who are of an appropriate sex, or those who are single, or those in whom they have or hope to have a romantic interest, or those with whom they have sex, etc. It seems that much of the angst over declaring an interaction to be a `date' stems from the different meanings that people attach to it. To you it may simply mean that the two of you enjoyed a movie together while to zir it might mean that you had sex. Thus, zie is not going to be pleased if you start telling everyone that the two of you had a `date' the other night. So the safest approach is this: it becomes a `date' when both of you agree that it is. Q3.6: What are good places to meet people? A3.6: If your sole point in meeting people is to get laid, then several people have reported success in venues such as singles' bars and dance clubs, although reasonable levels of self-confidence and conversational and dancing skills seem to be prerequisites. However, most of the posters to ssm are interested in deeper, long-term relationships and their presence in this group is indicative of a general dissatisfaction with the stereotypical `singles' scene of bars, personal ads, dating services, etc. Although you will get three different opinions from any two snigglers, the most common suggestion for meeting people is to take part in group activities which you enjoy. For example, if you enjoy writing then take some writing courses or join a writing circle. If you enjoy cycling then join a cycling club. And so on. There are a number of reasons for taking this course of action. First, since you are doing something that you enjoy, the activity will be fun in and of itself, even if you don't happen to meet the man/woman of your dreams right away. Second, most people are not conversational superstars and small-talk can quickly become tiresome and banal. Having an activity in common with others gives you an instant topic of conversation which is all but guaranteed to be of interest to everyone in that group. Third, desperation is usually obvious and rarely attractive. If your main purpose in meeting people is to find a mate, that desperation will show through just about any facade, no matter how good an actor you may think yourself. By joining a group doing something that you like, there is a good chance that you will be able to forget your loneliness long enough to lose that aura of desperation, relax and just be yourself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4) Boinks ====== Q4.1: What is a `boink'? A4.1: A boink is a get-together of soc.singles and soc.singles.moderated regulars to eat, have fun, eat, talk, eat, take in local sites and eat. The number of people at a boink can range from 40 or more down to as few as 3. The festivities usually last all weekend although occasionally smaller gatherings are organized for just one day or an evening. Because `boink' is sometimes used as a euphemism for sexual intercourse, newcomers to the group often think that ssm boinks must have sexual connotations as well. However, such is not the case. A boink is _not_ an orgy, or a love-fest (no matter how much you might want it to be :). If it's orgies that you're after try alt.sex.wanted. Q4.2: Who gets to go to these boinks? A4.2: In general, if you saw the boink announcement then you're invited. If the host wants a more exclusive gathering then it is up to zir to either explicitly say so in zir post (which is a bit gauche) or to only advertise the boink in private email. In any event it is generally wise to send the host mail announcing your intention to come, just in case there is some problem, such as a lack of space for large groups, and you most definitely must get the permission of the host before passing on the invitation to others. If you are thinking of attending a boink it is a good idea to have read the group for a while, so that you know what the people are like and are current on some of the topics from the newsgroup which might come up. The discussions at boinks typically range well beyond the topics currently in the newsgroup, but at least you will have some common ground with the other boinkers to fall back on, if necessary. It is also a good idea to post a few times in the weeks leading up to the boink, so that the other attendees can get to know you a bit. It is much easier to become involved in the festivities if the other boinkers feel that they know at least something about you. Q4.3: Hey, this sounds great! How do I host my own boink? A4.3: First, you should attend a few boinks hosted by others so that people can get to know you. Otherwise you might find yourself the only person at your boink. Next, you announce it in a post to the group and see if anyone is interested. After that, it's like throwing a slumber party since the yakking typically lasts well into the night. If you get people from out of town they will be expecting you to put them up for the night, unless you explicitly state otherwise in the boink announcement. Fortunately, for most boinkers this just means providing enough clear floor space for them to spread out a sleeping bag. If you don't want people sleeping over (or simply don't have the room for it), then you should also provide recommendations for nearby hotel/motel accomodations. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5) Other Resources =============== Q5.1: Where can I post a personal ad? A5.1: The alt.personals newsgroup is just the place for it. Note that there are a number of sub-groups beneath alt.personals, each catering to a more specific segment of the relationship-seeking population, so by using one of those, you might be able to better target your ad. If you would prefer a moderated newsgroup, under the assumption that the quality of postings might be higher, then try out soc.personals. There is also a `Singles Newsletter' on Prodigy to which anyone, even non-Prodigy members, can subscribe for free. Check out http://goodstuff.prodigy.com/lists/singles.html on the web or send email to: dgrf74b@prodigy.com. Q5.2: Where can I find pen-pals? A5.2: soc.penpals. Q5.3: Where can I find people with more traditional notions of romance? A5.3: Yes, the ssm crowd often have unconventional ideas about romance. For the more traditional `flowers and chocolates' approach, have a look at the alt.romance newsgroup. Their FAQ is at: http://www.dina.kvl.dk/~fischer/alt.romance/faq.html Q5.4: Where can I find reviews or ratings for dating/introduction services? A5.4: Unfortunately I have been able to find no comprehensive online review of the major commercial services. If you know of one or would like to put together such a document yourself, please let me know as that would make a great addition to this FAQ. There are a couple of web sites which do offer up some useful information about the various on-line services, though. Vis-a-Vis, a free on-line introductory service run out of Australia, has a web site which contains links to other introductory services, both free and for-fee, on the net. Have a look at: http://bamboo.snm.emu.id.au/~visavis/others.html In particular, follow this page's `scams' link to see a useful list of caveats when dealing with for-fee dating services. Note that this is _not_ a recommendation for Vis-a-Vis itself as I've never used it, but the information on their web pages is quite useful. Another page to check out is: http://www.zdnet.com/yil/content/fun/social/sngl1.html This contains a brief description of a number of free and for-fee introductory services which have a web presence, along with a 1 to 3 star rating system. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6) About The FAQ ============= Q6.1: I think that the FAQ needs a few changes/additions. Who do I tell? A6.1: The current maintainer of the FAQ is deane@gooroos.com. Send mail to him if you have any questions or change requests regarding the FAQ. Q6.2: Where can I get the latest copy of this fantastic, wonderful FAQ? A6.2: Thank you, you're too kind. The FAQ is posted to the soc.singles.moderated newsgroup once a week, so you could just wait until you see its next appearance. Alternatively, you can send mail to soc-singles-mod-request@panix.com with a subject line of `send faq' (without the quotes) and you will be sent your very own copy of the FAQ, to love and treasure always. Q6.3: Can I use part of this FAQ in my book/thesis/movie/great-work-of-art? A6.3: The FAQ is copyrighted by Dean Edmonds. You may use the FAQ in whole, unmodified form for any non-commercial, non-profit purposes. Any other usage will require the author's consent. He may be reached at deane@gooroos.com.